desire


youre just like your god damned mother i swear/ theres nothing that i hate more thanyoure sigh every fukcing minute. this clock began within me years ago and you never even noticed. i  swear you are the most selfish person ive ever met. I hope you know this really is about you. something about us being within i cant imagine not i see you right there in the flesh in front of me. whats wrong with staring out into space. im one of them . may i ask you to have a good day? what does that mean. 


no you have a good day. im just alright. 
your session is about to end in 10 minutes. do you wish to continue?
the day i turn 18,, I promise you ill be swimming. goals are the only thing keeping me from running into the middle of the street
k i know youre gone but why dont you just tell me. i dont like all this wondering =. back and forth i go always all wayys cant we touch one more time. youre body on mine/.. your session is about to end in 10 minutes. do you wish to continue?



friday february 18th

im not sure why ive chosen to write here today. i am sitting at computer 417 at the sf public libraries main branch. i challenge anyone reading to sit in this seat. you are given a beautiful view of the central cylindrical architecture. able to see into the 3rd, 4th, and 5th floors curving walkways,,,, which from this angle are reminiscent of individual zoetropes all enactice scenes where the main character has no idea they are the star. 
http://radicaloa.disruptivemedia.org.uk/
https://web.archive.org/web/20030805170654/http://8minus8.com/


yesterday




February 19th its saturday

why do we refuse to push. i wish i knew. what is the first step to take when you refuse to believe in yourself. I am here wishing i could know but i sit reading thoughts in 2017 knowing i had so much more clarity then. its hard believeing that coping and mourning are a skill set. i hate that i love love. I 

oh sorry you were asking my name. when i think to much i get all flustered.        

you know the day in ‘66 we really had it figured out. you remember that right. oh man your dad cried , he really loves you more than ive ever seen. you have his eyes. there really was no denying you. 

me and your mom, we used to listen to this song almost every night,  in that small appartment on arrow. you rememebr? 
       the angel opens her eyes, the confusion sets in,
before the doctor can even close the door,   lightning crashes
an old mother dyes
her intentions fall to the floor
the angel closes her eyes the confusion that was hers
belongs now to the baby down the hall


girl back again




thunder chasing the wind. 



ive got enough problems without you bringing up the past honesy. my therapist says i dont have to answer questions like that.




todya

what does it mean to be radically open?

send me an aswer please. this is not a hypothetical.




mon feb 21st











tuesday 

somehow never found the chance to fall asleep last night. the objects around me are radiating a bit of matter around them
goodmorning. i wonder who you are or whyh these seem to be getting less descriptive 










March 3rd

you were always on my mind 


maybe i didnt love you quite as often as i could have
maybe


you







march 7th

sorry, i was hit by a car. my hand hurts when i use it. its hard enough trying to get myself to talk. you know, 





march 15th

we get our strength in the day, where the sun rays reach , i perch,  my rock


fleeding in the night ,

the sun in the morning . 

a new day always 

the choice is made for me



march 16th
examples of things that make noise



march 17th

id so much rather grow through pain



i blame myself







3/20

today
...







aprill23








 i will swim to you


whether you save me


let me 

                                                lit by the fire





i want my heart to break
if it must break









tomorrow















April 26th 

i was feeling more like my self

im still on earth actually

the most beautiful 



i gave you those things becasue i care

i fear being forgotten
and i dont want to fade
i dont know if its true but i feel im shining brighter now. giving out the last of what i have in a single burst. bracing for when this all ends

its not pessimistic but realistic 


when i see you i dont want to look away
so i just dont.                               i want to feel it now because i know its my only chance





may 14th


do they know where 







june 22

the feeling of being numb. through 



june 23rd

im still numb. it started in my mouth today. now its in my throat